I was talking to some friends recently saying that I needed an attitude adjustment. This blog entry is my attempt at that.I read that Jan 21st is the most depressed day statistically on the calendar - the weather, the distance from the Christmas holidays, the arrival of bills all combine to make it possible for some statistician somewhere to state without a doubt that Jan 21st is the saddest day. So I suppose I have good reason for the funk I'm in.
Do you ever wake up in the morning and just want to slug the cheerful person next to you - whether spouse, child or other? If I'm having trouble coping with the cacophony of sound that is my house when everyone is cheerful, just imagine how well I'm doing when there's an argument or disagreement to deal with...
So that's where the attitude adjustment has to come in. I love my life even when I think I don't. I can't imagine not living this life I'm leading. I may fantasize occasionally about a quiet apartment in town where I am completely alone and not responsible for anyone or anything but myself. But as alluring as that fantasy is on some days, I know I would be miserable. My life is my family. I love them, I enjoy them; even as they drive me crazy....
The endless laundry. The dishes. The tidying. The stepping over the same toy for the umpteenth time. The fingerprints. On Everything. The stream of consciousness babble that needs to be listened to. Interjecting a well timed "uhhuh" and "really" just don't cut it with those monkeys. I actually have to follow what they're saying and prove to them I'm listening by adding appropriately timed questions and comments.
There are so many cliches out there about a clean house = a boring life; dirty house = awesome mom. Well, I guess then I'm an awesome mom. ;) I actually whole heartedly think you can have a clean house and be an awesome mom. It takes organization and energy, but it is totally possible so I don't put much stock in the clean house = boring person idea. You can have a dirty house and still be a less than adequate parent or you can have a super clean house and be the best mom on the block. Its less about the house and the tidiness and much more about the person inside that mother shell.
Back to the attitude adjustment. I've been feeling really ornery about the messy bedrooms, the clutter, the "I can't possibly recycle this crumpled up piece of paper, its got my most precious drawing ever on it". I've been wishing everything could have its place and stay there. Stay neat, stay clean, stay organized. And then I think... in about a dozen years the kids will be gone. I will be able to keep things clean and tidy and organized. The house will be quiet. And I will miss this LIKE CRAZY!!!
I distinctly remember the day I gave in to being a parent. Ian was probably about 3 or 4 months old. I have to admit, adjusting from life with 0 kids to 1 kid was my most difficult adjustment of all as a parent - much harder than going from 1 to 2, 2 to 3 or 3 to 4 kids. I had the hardest time giving up control of my schedule. WHY can't he just sleep now, WHY won't he eat now, I don't have TIME for his fussiness etc. etc. etc. And then I remember the day I gave in. It was like this physical weight was lifted off of my shoulders, I think, as corny as it sounds, my soul got a little lighter. I just let it go and let him determine the schedule. He would sleep eventually, and so would I. He would eat when he was hungry. I would have time for whatever it was that I needed to do at some point. It would all work out. And it did!
I need to reconnect a little with that sense of letting go. The dynamics are different from those days of one little infant calling the shots to today with four growing kids with their own distinct personalities and needs. But the idea is the same. I need to let go of my desire for control and let life unfold.
And I better frame some of those messy fingerprints because I know someday I'll look at them and sigh wistfully thinking "those were the days".
Consider my attitude adjusted. :)
