Dozen

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"really?" "REALLY!"
holding hands, smiles we can't wipe off our faces.
waiting. a bud. a secret.
dreaming, imagining, hoping.

growing.
Belly swelling,
lying in bed reading a book
what was that?  laughing,
baby kicked my book off my belly.
mysterious being.

time.
its time.  its Time.
focus, calm, excitement, fear, hope
Intense, searing, breath taking pain.
waves of fire.
PUSH!
panic, can this really happen?
Trapped.  trust self,  trust helping hands.
out baby OUT!

love.
hello baby!
warm bundle against my chest
soft touch, perfect nose, perfect chin
bright black eyes,
hello baby.
Love.

Home.
Who is this?  where are his parents?
tumbling, upside down, night and day
we're supposed to know what to do?
feed.  burp.  change.  rock.  sleep.
twilight sleep.  pierced by a pinprick cry.
bed so soft, so warm, so inviting, so sleepy...
Piercing CRY!
Baby!  jump up, run to baby,
feed.  burp. change.  rock.  sleep.
Never the same.

Need.
Rocking, soothing, soft voices, soft touches
Baby needs me.  Baby loves me.
Happiest in my arms, in my sight, within reach.
Bobbing in sling, rocking in arms, put down
Cry!!!
Baby, Mommy needs 5 minutes, 1 minute, 30 seconds to herself.
NO!  Cry!  Pick baby up.
all encompassing fatigue.  Baby needs me.
Self is shelved.

First
smile.  oh beautiful, lovely, perfect, heart melting smile!
rolling, sitting, crawling,
picking up tiny o's and popping them in mouth.
face pinches, gums crunch, surprised!  yum!  another O!  delighted giggles.
Belly laughs, arms reach up "Uh!"  Mommy listens. Cause and effect. Delight!!
words, "car" "dog" "uhoh" "hi" "Dada" "Mama"
Bedtime stories and lullabies, cuddles in soft evening's glow

Blowing infinite kisses as mama leaves his room,
Goodnight.

Taking off.
teetering steps.  grab chair.  grab table.  let go.  walk to Daddy's arms.
Cheering, laughing, baby giggles.
Baby runs.
Bye bye baby.

Child.
Wispy hair falling in face. Tip of tongue beyond lips.
Brow furrowed, fingers gripping tight
red crayon.  blue crayon.  scribbles.
Master piece!!

Ouch!

indignant tears

scraped knee

superhero mama to the rescue with

magic kisses.

No!
NO Mama!  ME do it! ME DO IT!
patient waiting.  shirt on inside out.  pants backward.
ME do it!
running off to nursery school
Bye Mama!  big hug.  wet kiss on nose.
Going Mama?"  Its ok, mama will be back soon.
Hesitating.  Arms grab my leg.  No Mama.
Teacher takes him, shows him toys, Ok Mama.
he is smiling and I leave, waving bye.

Yellow.
First day of school and the bus is coming.
Holding hands.  Warm hand gripping mine.
He's nervous.  Big hug.  He does not want to let go.
Reluctant steps.
Sad face plastered against window.
Small wave.
Bye Mommy.
Bus rumbles off.
Street is silent.

Bus rumbles up. Door opens.
happy face bounding down steps.
Wave to driver.
Full tilt into Mommy, huge hug.
So happy to be home.  Lots to say.
Fun day.  caterpillars and colours, blocks and letters.
Hello sweet boy!

Saturday morning.
Yawning child.  Snuggles in.
Arm thrown across my face.
Giggles.  Hi Mom.

Time.
Flies.  Boy is growing.
Learning.
reading, writing, music, sports, playing.
Pants are too short.  again? already?
Growing.
When was the last bedtime snuggle?
When was the last big hug?
Last wet kiss on the nose?
Mom!
oops.  no goodbye hugs.
drop him off at school.
Tall kid grabs his backpack.
No hug, no kiss, no looking back.
Bye Mom.  Have a great day son,
OK.

I'm reading a book.
He walks in, shoulders slumped, sits down.
What's up?  mumbles.  Wanna talk?  slowly the words trickle out.
We talk, his shoulders lift, smile returns.
Ok Mom. Thanks for your help.
Gift of a fleeting hug and he saunters off.
OK.

Photographs of my daughter

“Mommy, why are you taking so many pictures of me?” My daughter asks, her nose coming very close to my camera lens as she brings her head in towards me. “You know you have me forever, you don’t need so many pictures.” Her voice and face give me a premonition of the eye rolls and sighs coming my way when I meet her 12 year old self.

I’m taking pictures of my daughter as she frolics in front of me, playing with some plastic fish, a stuffed cat and a stuffed dog and wanting to engage me in a game of “feed the pets”.

She thinks I’ll have her forever. That’s all she can imagine. It’s what I pray for – a long life watching my children grow up and lead healthy productive, independent and happy lives. I fervently hope I’ll have my daughter in my life for many years to come, but I certainly won’t have this little four and three quarters year old girl in my life forever. The one who wears her heart on her sleeve, the one whose day will range from giggles and glee to pensive contemplation of life’s many mysteries to crying with heartbroken tears over some 4 year old sorrow. The one whose hair falls in her face as she concentrates on some craft or drawing, the one whose eyes start to laugh before the rest of her when she is filled with delight about something. No, this four and three quarter year old daughter is mine for only a blink of an eye and so I want to capture her sweetness, her energy, her mystery on film, a memento of a fleeting moment of motherhood.

My daughter’s innocent remarks lingers with me, “You’ll have me forever.” It’s moments like this I want to cling to and grab on to to keep with me, but I know if I grab too tight she’ll wriggle away and run away laughing at silly mommy. This balance of motherhood, the hanging on and simultaneous letting go, being there for my children, but letting them learn for themselves, this constant tug of war of motherhood will be an ongoing challenge and blessing for me as I watch my children grow and mature.

But for now, I put the camera down and grab the plastic fish my daughter holds out to me; its time to feed the pets and I don’t want to miss a second of it.